Existential Quiz: Fake Band Names
Why do people feel compelled to come up with hypothetical band names? Given the chance, would you rename The Beatles to something else?
Perhaps you’ve found yourself in conversation with somebody and stumbled upon what sounded like a good band name. It’s a commonplace to point out a good band name if you think of one (or better yet, if you hear one).
For example, in recent memory, I’ve really been proud of the name The Desert Fathers for a hypothetical musical group. I’m a dad. I want to read more of the Church Fathers. There’s something edgy about it. Etc.
I’m not sure if all cultures play this little game. I can’t imagine a bunch of Scandinavians, Inuit, Irish, Indian, or West African folks sitting around tables in their respective countries tossing potential band names back and forth. But maybe they do. Do they observe this ritual in New Zealand? Perhaps.
Apparently, there’s even a whole card game rooted around this practice called My Fake Band. I haven’t played it.
Question: Presupposing you really needed a band name, what is the optimal method for coming up with one?
Choose only one of the following:
A) There is no one best method. Sam Beam, lead singer of Iron & Wine, got his band name from a dietary supplement. Lynyrd Skynrd got theirs from their old phys. ed teacher (Leonard Skinner) who didn’t like long hair. There’s no particular way to tell what name will stick or what won’t. Just start tossing stuff out there.
B) Come up with something entirely mundane. You see, if this whole naming thing is a game, and if everyone is coming up with something novel, then you can paradoxically come up with something cool by just sticking to the commonplace. For example, The Chocolate Chip Cookies or Sofa Cushion have a minimalist vibe to them. When you go the simple route, you avoid the danger of appearing to try too hard.
C) Just let your label come up with your band name if you’re serious about reaching the widest audience. You have a label, don’t you? They’ve got the market research to determine which name will go the furthest. It’s best to rely on statistics in this case.
D) Ask your fellow band members what they like. You’re not good at coming up with names. Or, if you’re a solo act, just go with your given name. What is more authentic than your real name?
E) Start with your legal name and then come up with a permutation or play on that. For example, if your name happens to be Justin Bonanno, you could change it to Nitsuj Onnonab. Or make an anagram: Injust Nonbano. Or to push that one a little further: Unjust No Hay Baño, which in English translates to “Unjust There’s No Bathroom.”
F) Ask Elon Musk if he’ll come up with a band name for you. Who wouldn’t want the musical equivalent of X AE A-XII?
G) Use ChatGPT you lazy bum.
H) Begin with a cultural commonplace or cliché. For example: The Princess Bride. Then twist it around a little bit to come up with a neologism. For example: The Princess Bribe. Or The Recess Bride. Here’s a cliché: Two Birds, One Stone. A potential band name from this could be Free Birds, Microphone. Or Three Birds, Two Stones. Or Two Birds, One Stone, No Aim.
I) Combine a character’s name from a Shakespeare play with an emotion. For example: Horatio’s Pity. Or Macbeth’s Joy.
J) None of the above.
True or False: It is easier to come up with a fake band name than it is to come up with a real one.
Thought Experiment: Imagine you’re one of the founding members of what would later become The Beatles. You haven’t decided on a name yet. You’re sitting around a table with John Lennon and Paul McCartney in a pub deliberating over a name. Ringo’s not there (he decided to go for a walk). Paul says, “What should we go with?” John replies, “How about The Beatles?” Then he turns to you to get your input. How would you reply? Does it make you uncomfortable to name The Beatles anything other than The Beatles? If so, why does it make you uncomfortable? Write a 50-word comment below explaining your choice and defending your answer.
Thanks for reading, whomever you are. If you think others might find this interesting or thought-provoking, why not share it with them? And also, why not leave a comment or a question or a provocation below? You could even come up with your own quiz question and put it below. If you’d like to read another existential quiz, go here. If you’d like to learn more about coining neologisms (and the related rhetorical devices of “verbing”/anthimeria), you might look at Jay Heinrichs’ Thank You for Arguing, a text that has some problems with it/inappropriate content but also some interesting insights.
August Rush